IMPALED

MetalKings.com: Let me start by saying that I haven't had a chance to lay me philthee grip on the new Impaled record, because the local label has not received it yet. :-( So, based on that, I decided to make the best out of the situation, when we do not have to do the usual dull and boring promotional thing, going for hours on end about the music, the production, the studios, the labels and all that regular bullshit, and talk about something music-unrelated and interesting instead. Even more so, since, judging from your official site, you all seem like a very friendly, human-loving and good Christian bunch ;) he-he... Well, with that, let us start by discussing organized religion in all forms - what do you make of this gimmick, and why do you think all of it should be destroyed and abolished?

Impaled: I think it would be more fun to have disorganized religion. The priests could show up late to the wrong church, the sacramental wine would have to be replaced with kool aid because Father Flotsky forgot to go to the liquor store, and all the hymnals passed out would have the lyrics for "Take Me Out To The Ball Game". That's the kind of Church I could get behind. Way behind.

Metalkings.com: To continue the subject, Sir Benton of Deicide has had his good times with TV Evangelists, especially this one guy - can't remember his name by now - being invited to this guy's show and talking about Satanism and religion throughout the program. Now if you were to be invited to some Evangelic TV show - would you accept and if so, what message would you bring to the audience? (and, more importantly, how much would you charge for your appearance)...

Impaled: I'd take the opportunity to promote my own religion, McGrathism. All of my followers have to be female and there are no fat chicks allowed. Once or twice a week we get together and drink sacremental beer and eat sacremental burritos and watch Dawn of the Dead. Then, as the credits roll, the blessed orgy begins. That's as much as I can tell you without having to ask if you're a woman and if so, what your measurements are.

MetalKings.com: Also what was the most stupid TV-evangelist show you have seen in your life? I mean for me the definite highlight was this show (can't remember its name either) which involved I think professional wrestlers or something like that who were breaking bricks against their brainwashed heads in the name of god... What was the funniest you have seen? (quotes from the show and character descriptions would be much appreciated)

Impaled: I like the guy from the 700 Club. They talk about the news and current events and then they go over to him and he explains how it's connected to Jesus. Everything always comes back to God's plan for us, no matter how unimportant the topic is.

MetalKings.com: Well, since we all agree religion is a big fucking joke (don't we?), why not start a church of our own? Since I think Raul had a major soft spot for the Simpsons, let us start by writing the 10 Commandments of the Church of our Lord Homer Christ...

Impaled: I already have a church, I told you that. Weren't you paying attention? Our commandments are:

1. Thou shalt bring Sean burritos and beer
2. Thou shalt not wear complicated underwear
3. Thou shalt not touch the remote
4. Thou shalt bring thine own bottle opener on long trips
5. Thou shalt love Megadeth
6. Thou shalt know the lyrics to every song on Mondo Medicale
7. Thou shalt mosh
8. Thou shalt not touch my roommates stuff
9. Thou shalt get a job and not hang around here so much
10. Thou shalt not complain about the mess

MetalKings.com: Well, with the basis of our new Church laid down we will also have to establish a few Saints. So what I would ask you to do is select five characters from the modern metal scene and make them the saints of your new church - naturally you will have to explain why each of them are sainted?

Impaled:
1. Saint Seanyboy (That's me) I started the church, so I get to be a Saint.
2. Saint Dave Mustaine. He gets to be a Saint because he's, well...Dave Mustaine.
3. Saint Ross, because Ross is my friend and he has a car.
4. Saint Vitus, because it's an obvious joke
5. Saint Billy Nocera, who was canonized for his unflappable dedication to brutal death metal.

MetalKings.com: Of course any respectful church has got to have its own adversary - the Antichrist, the Lord of all fevers and plagues, Master of pain and Father of sin - Satan, if you please. To make things easier for you I will let you choose from three characters and you will have to explain why you choose this particular figure for the task - a) Ozzy b) Beavis c) Monica Lewinski... - make your pick...

Impaled: I pick Ozzy, because dude, he's the Prince of Darkness. Plus we'd like to play at Ozzfest and anything we can do to connect our name to his, we'll do.

MetalKings.com: A church is not possible without certain type of rituals to be performed on some special occasion... Well, with us being the Church of our Lord Homer Christ - I guess it is obvious that our main Church holiday should be called the Day of the Halo Donut - what rituals and celebrations, in your opinion should be performed on that particular day?

Impaled: Have you not been listening at all? I keep telling you, this is McGrathism, an offshoot of Fundamentalist Seanism. Our major holiday is, you guessed it, Blumpusday. We celebrate by watching the WIDESCREEN version of Dawn of the Dead, drinking more beer, and switching from burritos to pizza. In reverence towards Blumpusday, the orgy does not take place, but I still get to watch chicks make out with each other.

MetalKings.com: Well, of course, a religion isn't worth a dime without its own Crusade somewhere at the point of its history - in the name of what shall we start a crusade against the infidels and what will be the name of our order?

Impaled: I want to start an extremely bloody and violent crusade against the old and feeble. They've been around for too long and it's time to clean house. I tired of waiting for them to cross the street when I'm driving, or I would be if my Holy Nissan Pulsar wasn't sitting broken down in the Garage of the Almighty.

MetalKings.com: Now, that we are done with the Crusades, we will also have to pick a father Chief Inquisitor for our church and choose a key-manifestation for him. The three incumbents for the position be a) Ronnie James Dio b) Mom Teresa c) Cartman of Southpark - pick one and write a key manifest for them...?

Impaled: Ronnie James is a good choice. He would be pretty scary looking in a Torquemada costume.

MetalKings: Well, seems like by now we already have fully operable church with all the necessary attributes and accessories and now the tricky part comes - just as any other religion the Church of Our Lord Homer Christ has to fall someday - why will it fall?

Impaled: You're Church will probably fall at the blood stained hands of MY Church. My Church will survive into the ages, the followers of which will worship a huge statue of me in my underwear playing guitar on my couch.

MetalKings.com: Okay, thanks a bunch for your patience and good-humored (I hope ;) answers and now time for the closing prayer for our mass which you will deliver to all of the Russian audience...

Impaled: We gather here today to watch the greatest zombie movie ever made, drink beer, and eat burritos. These things are important in life, but let us not lose sight of the most important thing. Naked, greased up women in skimpy underwear bouncing up and down in my living room. Beer me.

TROLL
MetalKings.com
(September, 2002)